Grad School

Um... it hasn't even started and I feel like I'm on the verge of flippin out- I mean I haven't done it yet cause if you knew me- well I dont really flip out much...but when I do- it's crazy scary. Yeah, you read right- crazy scary. Its just that I'll be at a placement 3 days out of the week, and I have class right after that - so lets see Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays are booked from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. - gone- not to mention I wake up at 5 a.m. to run and clear my mind before the start of the day...and I need that- that'll probably be the only thing keepin me sane besides...well besides help from God and thoughts of you- true.

Anyways, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays are booked with one of my jobs - and the boss has me down on the schedule for doubles. I'm going to be working 8 to 12 hour days- and those are weekends where I have to work much harder because the general public is too stupid to realize how to keep themselves safe. I mean you figure it wouldn't be too hard-Hello- with the slick ice- and lets not forget sharp blades- lets not get carried away ya know? But I know that'd be too much to ask (sorry, sarcasm is my super-power- what's yours?) So thats like 24 hours right there for low pay but I shouldn't complain too much- it is a job so for that I am grateful. mmm...lets see

So that leaves Monday right? Hah. yeaaaah... I have another job. This'll be the day I'm physically at that job location while through the rest of the week I figure out how to handle the extra projects and assignments my bosses give me to do before the coming Monday- this is all like Design stuff- art work, and web work which takes hours on end to complete. So Monday is kinda gone for the most part too...

Then I have homework. Grad Work to be exact. ...um...right... so when am I going to get this done? Oh I know! After my long work days after 8 p.m. working until what? maybe midnight? I guess I could give myself four hours to do homework and whatnot. Crap...Gotta buy books still...ugh.

Oh! And sleep! Yes, I say its a little overrated but that still doesn't mean I dont need it- I mean you know- growin' kid and everythin =P So if I actually lay down at the end of my day and let my mind actually get a second to rest....that'll take like an hour for it to cool it- then that leaves me with.... 4 hours to sleep? Okay, so that's taken care of. I mean I usually get 4 to 6 anyways, so I guess thats cool.

And not to mention I should probably eat sometime, and do all the other life things like hangin with the cousins and makin sure all their homework is gettin done too cause I often help them with theirs, annnnnd hanging out with them so that they dont get into too much trouble with me gone...and then there is the social aspects of my life like friends and all that- lucky for me I dont have many and there arent really a lot of people I wish to hang out with on a regular basis anyways- yeah I know Im mean and rude like that- but I have trust issues okay? My bad- so that shouldnt be too hard cause I dont mind makin time for the people I love you know? Sooooo....yeah...

Um, What did I get myself into? hahaha =P

Ah well, I guess I just needed to vent. Once it gets going I'll just have to see what happens.

Tonight...We will Connect the Dots...The Spill Canvas

If your feet hurt from walking too much,
then I will tend to them with a velvet touch.
If your lungs just don't want to work today,
then I'll perform a mouth to mouth until you're okay.

Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips
circling your lips~
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,
I can tell you do.
I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.

If your muscles are wound up and tight,
then I will loosen up the knots until it feels right.
If your ears just ache from listening,
then I'll supply the remedy in the melodies I sing.

Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips
circling your lips.
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,
well I can tell you do.
I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.

Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips
circling your lips.
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,
well I can tell you do.
I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.

You Don't Even Know-Conscientious Exchange

Tick Tock -I feel the minutes pass slow-Seconds gone already though; has it already been an hour? Yeah, looks like it has...Shoot you don't even know, but that's probably cause I'd never tell you, well-not straight away anyways cause I gotta make you work for the answers, but I guess that's just how I've always been...but even if I do say somethin' would you ever know? So much to say in so little time, but it is not Time that I attribute to all the things I keep locked inside~ "Closed-off" is what someone described me as today- pleasant to be around, but is that because I don't really open my mouth? Hah, I know that can't be it because I open my mouth plenty- this I'm sure of it, but it's not like her description of me was wrong- in fact I totally agree, it's a problem I have - lettin' people see the real me. Trained. Trained to do so, but cultivated too- I guess I'm cautious about who I let in and who I let see the Truth. Acquaintances that move past friendships I feel are those special people that climb pass my walls to come and save me, but they should realize even then- there's still somethin' I keep hidden just in case- fear in case they come to hate me. Silly I know- but you may not understand- its taken years already to get to the point of where I am...not broken I guess would be an 'okay' way to describe it...I mean growin' up you hear things. People talk- and those that are supposed to shelter you from certain instances- well they don't. And its not like I blame anyone I guess- cause I just don't do that, but life is never been easy (and I don't expect it to be). God is who saves me. Goodness, without Him, I know I'd be crazy (and I mean the bad kind- not the good kind that I am now) so thank You Jesus for always blessin' me when I know I'm not worthy, but Father God regardless I thank You that you died for me. For those that read, I really can't help but always Praise Him, cause what I've known-and where I've come from... well let's just put it this way: God is the only thing that makes me cry now because of how good He is, and how bad I can be-and maybe possibly am, and He's probably the only One that makes me feel Free.... Still though, in all honesty- I am not the 'good' person a lot of people make me out to be- at least I don't think so and I know there are plenty of people that'll argue with me, but hey that's okay everyone's entitled to their own opinions...just still...I believe in the end, aside from God- I'm the only one who knows the real me. But then again, who's fault is that really?

Fallin Freestyle Rap

Yeah yeah

You make my heart beat slow

Breath- breath

Man I'm tellin ya'

This girl got me runnin around spittin' lyrics in a free-flow

Rhythms and beats bump in my head

Yeah how they slowly match the snares and hook that beats in my chest

Ah-ah

She gettin' closer now

She seein' the real me & its crazy cause I don't even know how-

How it got to this part-

This place

So deep like there's no real escape

But I think I like it-

Yeah this time I like it cause it feels good

But I also gotta wonder how long it'll feel hood

I mean don't get me wrong

I want it to last long

But I can't help but wonder If-

God is this some kinda test?

Cause I feel like she's the one You made for me

Heaven's embrace let her find Faith and Strength in me-

In You-God let it be about You

Cause that's the only way this'll work

If it's You that holds us together through all our past hurts

And I know how I feel

And not lettin' her know just yet

Frustrates the hell outta me

Not gonna lie God it burns like fire in my chest

But I want it to be on your time

Not mine-

So teach me how to wait Lord and Be Blessed

Well, more-so than I already am

Cause You created a good girl

And all I wanna do is show her what she's worth

According to Your own Word~

---------------------------------

Yeah, its a rap.

Promised one of the kids I'd do one for 'em so there it is.

Dont be too harsh. Heh.

One Week Left

So I have one week left at my placement. I'd have more but for some reason I have to secure another placement, and I've found that I am currently the only person doing this -_- Which also means I can't stay longer as planned.

Totally sucks cause I can't help but wonder about these kids, and its like the second quarter where we've all gotten pass the first quarter bull crap. It seems they've taken a likin' to me - and I must be doin' somethin' right if the seniors are askin' if I'm teachin next class (hah right? me - teach ;) ) I suppose I will have to learn...and fast... but thanks to my CT and the Dept. Chair- that hasn't been too much of a problem (God Bless them both) I mean that in a positive way, I do.

I just don't know what's up with me. Am I really as scared as I think I am, or is it in my head? Both. Hah yeah. I dunno. But I do know when trying to start class and tellin' the kids to sit down- they aren't as hesitant, and they do listen- for the most part and quite well too =)

I must confess too that I feel a little awful. I didn't give as 'long' or perhaps maybe even 'in depth' a comment on one child's paper as I did the others...and that showed in his attitude he had towards it. Was he actually jealous? That would be hard to believe if you knew this kid...but people are people- they have depths to them that are ever rarely seen...and I'm glad to have hedged through to some of them, and it makes me think of all the things I could learn if I continued my stay... and of course, all the things these kids would learn (not saying that I'm like amazing or anything, but I feel that there must be something I can offer them - something to help them grow - even if in the least bit- something). *sigh* man. I feel like this is a ramble, but this is for me so who cares bwhahaha. Still though... I'll have to be sure to talk to that young man...let him know I didn't mean to do that.

Funny thing is, even with all my uncertainties, I do know this much: when the day is over, I'm still thinkin' about them. I wonder if they're okay, how they're doin', and what more I could do to help them- naturally with their academics, but again, help them as people who are growing. It's pretty cool that my CT is doing a unit over Bullying, and this will be my sophomore's topic for their essay they will be writing. ....But I wonder if they're really getting the message that is underlying this upcoming essay. It's obvious they know it's wrong, and feel like it shouldn't be happening...but there are plenty that say 'who cares- man up' la di dah dah dah. Okay, they're entitled to their beliefs, everyone is- but do they realize that not caring and doing nothing as well as the actual act of bullying are the same things? ....It makes me want to just create an entire lesson plan revolving around this concept =P

Is that how I will teach? ...See a concept, or a social problem and turn it into a lesson? Oh the civic duty. ...I think that will be it -partially... but its building those relationships so that they trust me enough to let me show them something, and have them show each other as well as myself something in the process. To be quite honest I don't think that will be too much of a problem just cause like I said, they seem to have taken a liking to me (especially the ones I thought hated me with a passion and were pretty much looking at me with a death sentence) =P And today was the cutest thing- one of my students said: "Mr. Siroky you weren't there for parent-teacher conferences yesterday and I wanted my mom to meet you." I was like o_0 ? What? You wanted your mom to meet me? -^_^- okay. =P I had to tell her I wish I could've been there, but sadly I had to take care of that late graduation application so I could get my little diploma/certificate woo~ -_- ...But I'll be there for Thursday night parent-teacher conferences. I know its pretty geeky, but I'm excited about sittin' in and observing that too.

Its also funny- the experience you gain sitting in the classroom, and then observing it and being in one. I mean, there were these cute little ideas in my workshop classes about this or that for lesson plans, and then I get to the real thing and I'm just like 0_0 oh shnaps. =P Don't get me wrong, my workshop classes pushed me in the right direction, but the actual out of the class- in the field experience is where its at. And I really do have a great CT and Dept. Chair who have "imparted their knowledge to me & that I must thank by taking them out to dinner at one of the places of their choice" - man they must think I have money with the way I come dressed to impress ;P haha...no. They do deserve a thanks- a tremendous one...and I even feel bad about the way I act sometimes ...so goofy I am... and unnecessary. ...Crap, I still have to tell my kids that my last week is coming. ...haha way to go.

Hm... I wonder what their reaction will be. I hope they know I don't wanna leave and that I actually asked if I could stay- but again, I have to secure my placement at the other school though I want to be like - hey can I just stay where I am? This is where I wanna be.

I know, it sounds corny and I am geekin' but I can't help it either. ah! I have to log my hours too ^^;; I'm doin' well for myself. I promise I'm really not this all over the place with my thoughts... or so I hope not. I just... I have a lot to say, but even in writing now I think I'm censoring a bit just in case this is read. I'll be sure to work on that too just like everything else I gotta to just be a better teacher, and really a better me.

Man that sounded like a corny ending too. @_@ goodness. Whatever. I'll leave it as is cause its how I feel =P Bye for now blog. I'm sure I'll write more later

Writing on Windows and Mirrors

Odd title isn't it? Hm, if only you knew me.

I'm pretty self-reflective...perhaps even as far to say 'too self-reflective'

But what can I do? This is just how I process.

Funny story...I remember always writing on windows and mirrors when I was younger. My mom didn't catch me back then because I made sure to do it in 'window marker' but I've written on a few windows/mirrors in sharpie before xD - old abandon ones surely...but perhaps I'll write a note to myself on my $5 hanging mirror... or maybe not because then my mom would really flip, annnnd I did spend forever hunting for that mirror (another long story in itself). hm... honestly, I'm not sure why I even started this blog...perhaps because I just communicate better in writing than speaking (and yes, I know some of you would argue differently) but then again, there are those of you who would smirk and say 'yeah, I can see that- you're pretty soft-spoken so it'd only make sense' and even then that statement turns heads and makes eyes bulge out like 'um what? you? Soft-spoken? Riiiigggghhhtt'

In any sense, this is for me. This isn't for anyone else, and I suppose it's just nice to have something just for me for once. So let's see. I won't be an avid blogger I don't believe...but if I feel the need, I guess its nice that this is here. I sound like a total nerd...or someone who is just bored.... or perhaps someone that just needs to get something out... maybe I'm all of those things...maybe I'm neither. Or maybe I'm just someone who is good at just writing on windows and mirrors, and I figured before I get caught I should try finding a better alternative...heh. Crazy? you don't know the half of it.

My Dear...

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.